"One more thing then" "bedonk-de-donk butt"
Wednesday
Leave boulder at 3pm, Myke and Shaun. Arrive in SLC at 1am.
Thursday
Outdoor Retailer trade show. Shaun picks a fight with a 6'4" mormon mechanic named Troy.
Camp north of Bishop, California at Owen's Valley hot springs.
Friday
Drive into Yosemite. Have double burgers, French fries, and coke at 1:15pm. Start Glacier point hike at 1:45 from camp 4 (10 miles RT, 3200 feet of elevation). Return to car at 5pm.
Arrive in San Fran at 9pm.
Saturday
12:45am - Shaun and Myke meet Rich and Tom at airport. Myke has had a pitcher of margarita and 3 RB&V's. Rich has documented 5 bottles of wine, a couple of beers, and a flask of rum. Stewardess - "Looks like you two are having quite the party tonight". Tom did not have a single drink on the flight. As Shaun is cleaning up car at the arrivals area while Rich and Tom get bags, empty beer bottles fall out of car. Police officers are within 30 feet of car. Spoonie Luv is introduced.
2am - Arrive at Andy Cohen's apartment. All begin drinking on couch. Rich and Andy open and finish a liter and a half of Cucina Cucina cooking wine.
10am - Rich wakes up, and within 30 seconds of awaking spies a full wounded soldier (warm bud light bottle). Chugs it in under 15 seconds. Goes to the fridge to get another bottle.
11:30 - Group wanders out for breakfast, and ends up at a sports bar. Breakfast is eggs, coffee, water, and a pitcher of coors light.
Alex's party -
20 pounds of delicious steaks, and 2 filets of salmon are on the bbq. Drinking continues.
Rich shows up hammered. Within 10 minutes he gets in an altercation with Tom involving Potato salad. Rich gets potato salad in his eye. 10 minutes later he is in his boxers only.
Rich grabs a bottle of balsamic vinegar and begins chugging it. Chugging it. He will spit blood in the morning.
Rich wanders through the house and into a bedroom and sees a girl in bed. He offers to go deep into her "steez". She mentions that her boyfriend will be there in 5 minutes. Rich leaves.
Sunday
10:30am - Rich has given up all hope after losing wallet the night before. He is resigned to having no id, credit cards, or cash for vegas and the rest of the road trip. 5 minutes before departure someone finds his wallet. It was not next to his rolex, which he had left in a bathroom on the shampoo/conditioner bottles shelf.
10:45am - Tom takes ride with our host, Alex, in Alex's 2002 Audi S4 (bi-turbo v6 250bhp awd - silver). They reach a top speed of 120 mph on 128, a small 2-lane road in alexander valley.
11:15am - Myke is too hung over to participate in the wine crawl. He takes the keys, and Miller starts chugging wine.
2pm - V Sattoui winery is third stop on the crawl. Crew samples ten wines, then buys two bottles of wine, bread, and sits outside to consume. We take ownership of said wine in several paper bags (this becomes important later).
3:30pm - Walking back to the car after consumption of wine, Myke discovers half-full bottle of rose wine on top of trash can. Other three pounce like rabid dogs, and pronounce it manna from heaven.
4:00pm - Begin driving south. Paper bags go on head. Eyeholes are cut so sunglasses may go over, and mouth hole cut for wine entry and cigar inahalation. Used in harassing hot girls inside adjacent cars.
5:30pm - I-80 Westbound on bridge before the Bay Bridge. Cloud of smoke explodes two cars ahead of us. Toyota Corolla, Brown van towing a boat and some silver piece of shit bash into each other and smash into right lane of bridge. Did we mention that the Ford Explorer's brakes were only about 50% operational? We pull into right lane and stop, three plowed medical students with hugs chaws in wearing no shirts jump out of the car to check it out. Guy involved in accident: "That motherfucker! I should go jack that bitch with my Louisville slugger!" Ever-observant med students notice that man does indeed have a baseball bat in his car. Lt. Miller designates accident as non-emergent and we bail.
6:30 - Mazda Miata is spotted in line for bay bridge tools with "DZNUTZ". In taking a photo and pointing, driver sees us. He looks angry.
7:30 - We have shitty overpriced sushi at the Floating Boat in Chinatown. One boat is almost capsized due to incorrect open beer loading of the boat.
Monday
1:30am - find a campsite on a fire access road. Set up Tom's circus tent monstrosity. Bring the cooler into the tent, and everyone has beers. It's quite cold, since we're right off of hwy 1. Rich has no sleeping bag, ambient temperature is about 50 degrees.
8am - Crew wakes up from fire trucks and military support vehicles passing on roadway 20 feet from tent. Everyone has a beer.
10:30am - Myke, rich, and Tom are at beer number 5 about this point.
2:30pm - Arrive at Santa Monica. Myke has passed out twice so far. Crew goes to beach, while Lt. Miller runs to find a shitter. He will return more than 30 minutes later. Myke runs into the Ocean waves with his Smith sun glasses, and the first wave knocks them off. "The ocean giveth, and the ocean taketh away."
4:30pm - Myke passes out twice more at the beach.
5pm - Tom drives through Hollywood in meandering, random fashion.
11:30pm - Big Bun bakery thermometer reads approximately 102 degrees ambient temperature. All agree that it is "hotter than balls."
Tuesday
1:30am - arrival in vegas, pull into a parking lot so rich, Myke and shaun can piss. Rich Parent shoots his piss at 80 degree elevation angle, and proclaims his "fountain of youth" as a stream of urine flies inches from his outstretched tongue.
2am - tom and rich drop off Shaun and Myke to find a hotel.
2:20 - Myke procures a complimentary upgrade to a Jacuzzi suite (normally $250/night) at the Tropicana, room 1956.
2:30 - Group meets. Tom has nearly finished a 375 of vodka (RB&V) and a 40 of olde E. He is drunk enough that he decides to bring his 10'x12' circus tent (see movie) into the Tropicana.
3:00am - 10'x12' circus tent is fully erected inside Jacuzzi suite.
4:30am - Gambling begins.
8:30 - Tom, after losing big at Blackjack - "why don't I just light this twenty on fire and it'd be more entertaining for all of us." He soon leaves the Bellagio and stumbles back to the hotel.
9:15am: Photo with Jamie and Glynice. Jamie, the most beautiful cocktail waitress in the world, the dealer Glynice, and the pit boss Andrea have all become entranced by our witty charms.
9:17am: Rich tells Jamie, the most beautiful cocktail waitress in the world, that we're having a party in Mandalay Bay room 1956. We are in the Tropicana.
9:20am: Shaun falls to the ground in the Bellagio and goes into convulsions while moaning "eggs…."
10:00am - Rich meets Yvette, a cock-tail waitress at the Tropicana. She's ready to party with him after 30 seconds. Shaun and Myke leave.
10:30am - Waiting in line for breakfast buffet, Rich strikes up conversation with family from Conneticut. "I spent two years, well endowed years,…"
No Recollection Beyond This Point.
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